Congregation Chatter Pillows

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"I don't see why divine intervention and government intervention have to be mutually exclusive."

"Bob, you've been warned before. You can't come to prayer just to gather gossip material."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

"I'm a pastor. My job is to speak 20 minutes on Sunday and listen the rest of the week."

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

'Put the kettle on, Doreen.'

"Hold on there buddy, that's not a KJV Bible." (two men talking, one with a Bible)

'Sorry - I've got strong views on Sunday Trading!'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

'I'm a little worried about the dedication to His Satanic Majesty, Bishop.'

Communication on a bus

'Gee, you'd think all that tithing would count for something.'