Conflicted Cook Pillows

'Dinner is ruined. I brought too many diet's home from the office again.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

How to correctly estimate cooking time

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

'Do you want toast with that?'

"Mum, the milk's trying to escape!"

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'Holiday insanity helpline.'

"Cousin Magdalena likes pushing Tia Carmen's buttons, doesn't she?"

Dave's How to Puke Book.

Ainsley Harriott: "..Then add the nuts!"

"You're the only man I know who can clean a filthy cooker with two slices of bread."

'I'm afraid I'll have to close you down. Your kitchen is infested with greenfly.'

"No wonder my mouse wasn't working. I've been using the biscuit from dinner."

"I'm making dirty rice."

"It's time we did something about the new Healthy Menu option."

'MY mother used to use a smoke detector as a meal-timer too!'

'Will open jars for food.'

'I'm beginning to feel bad about skipping church for a cookout.'

Some especially annoying types of packaging.

"And you’re certain my suggesting a vegan Thanksgiving didn’t offend your grandmother?"

Gone To Hospital.

'I can't conceal it any longer - the food in this place is killing you.'

"Hello..? is that the 'burnt soup hotline..?'"

Man on diet fealing guilty

'It says to put the potatoes in a pan of water but it doesn't say whether to use still or sparkling.'