Computer Newbie Humor Gifts

"I joined a seniors' computer group. They send me a newsletter to help us better understand the benefits and conveniences of these things."

"Talk nerdy to me."

'I don't care what the Hares have. Dial-Up is good enough for us!'

"You are still here."

"He's at that awkward age...he knows just enough about computers to really screw them up."

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"What burns my bottom about www.dazoosucks.com is that we capitalized them."

"I had to hire younger employees to keep up with today's technology and social media."

Robot Robber

"When they said I'd been replaced by A.I. I'd imagined something more SOPHISTICATED!"

Look, dork, I won't ask again. Will you help me use a computer? Maybe. What for? Internet Scrabble. I hear it is possible to play – what is the word? Online? I should like to send data over cyberspace. Through cyberspace.

'Is that computer, down there, the one you were having problems with?'

"Here's a blues number written about my inability to remember computer passwords."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

Caveman to wheel inventor: 'Nice invention - how do you boot it up?'

Bubbie Selfies

Technophobes Illustrated Dictionary: Worm Virus - Something horny worms are at greater risk of contracting if they choose to solicit the company of worm-whores without protection.

'Stop! That's no way to get data into the cloud.'

"Never ask Dad about technology. He thinks a semiconductor is someone who leads the Boston Pops for half a year."

'Hello? IT? Yes, there's been a breach in security and I'm concerned about unauthorised access to my personal details.'

"Are we sure this is how we get our workloads into the cloud?"

"Frankly, you seem a little fleshy for our team."

"'Page Not Found' always sounds a little 'careless'. Maybe we could replace it with 'Page Temporarily Engaged in Promoting Alternative Client Focused Services'."

"You butt dialed me 187 times in less that an hour, dad."

I hate getting ready for Y1K.

Mousetrap has captured the wrong type of mouse.

'Say, how can I convert this FAT file into a nice and small JPG?'

By the time I figured out how to read her e-book, she was asleep.

'Hello, technical support? Which one is the 'any key'?'

"Let's take it step by step. How do I turn it on?"

'We're taking baby steps with this whole social media thing until we're certain it pans out.'

'Well, now, let's just shine the light of common sense and linear thinking on this little computer problem of yours, shall we?' 'I'm not THAT desperate yet.'

"Please—no technology questions!"

Video Chat with Dad from his new smart phone.