Competition Critic Gifts

Equality Championships

"I don't think equal opportunities legislation covers beauty pageants."

'These are just dog collars!'

"Is that like one of my many softball participation trophies?"

"Pathetic TV coverage... We should have won far more gold medals by now."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'I give this one about three months...'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

Stock market investment advice

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

Suggestions box in a toilet.

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."