Comparison Humor Pillows

'Yeah, well, it's not as good as Disneyland.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Schrodinger's Black Box

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

It is said there is a black hole in the middle of the galaxy. But heaven knows what it looks like!

Flan-eating bacteria

'This should succeed...it's not aimed at anything.'

"Ever killed a man?"

"Surprisingly, the soil samples provide new evidence for the 'giant ball of cheese' hypothesis."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

"Just our luck. We finalyy conquer space travel only to be consumed by a wormhole."

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

'Can you believe it? - This hayseed doesn't even know which GALAXY we're in!'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

"Is that it? Is that the Grand Unified Theory?"

"The doctor will see you now."

"Sadie, they found a planet orbiting Proxima Centauri. That makes way over 1,000 planets we've discovered in my lifetime." "It must be exciting for you, discovering there are 1,000 worlds full of people who can't possibly know what a doofus you are." "...Unless they've got telescopes." "It is exciting. Now I know how you must've felt when Oog the Caveman discovered Venus." "I see you're bringing what passes for your 'A-game' today."

Daughter/psychiatrist

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

Anthropomorphism Laboratory.

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

Sunglasses - Perfect for normal sun, white dwarfs, red giants.

"Wait, that's not a star. That's just an alien whose phone has its flashlight on."