Comparison Humor Pillows

'Yeah, well, it's not as good as Disneyland.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Wifi in Hell

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Schrodinger's Black Box

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

It is said there is a black hole in the middle of the galaxy. But heaven knows what it looks like!

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

Flan-eating bacteria

'This should succeed...it's not aimed at anything.'

"Ever killed a man?"

"Surprisingly, the soil samples provide new evidence for the 'giant ball of cheese' hypothesis."

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

"Just our luck. We finalyy conquer space travel only to be consumed by a wormhole."

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, when you said benign growth, I thought you were referring to my husband."

Ereptile Dysfunction

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

'Can you believe it? - This hayseed doesn't even know which GALAXY we're in!'

"Is that it? Is that the Grand Unified Theory?"

"Wait, that's not a star. That's just an alien whose phone has its flashlight on."

"The doctor will see you now."

"Sadie, they found a planet orbiting Proxima Centauri. That makes way over 1,000 planets we've discovered in my lifetime." "It must be exciting for you, discovering there are 1,000 worlds full of people who can't possibly know what a doofus you are." "...Unless they've got telescopes." "It is exciting. Now I know how you must've felt when Oog the Caveman discovered Venus." "I see you're bringing what passes for your 'A-game' today."

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

Daughter/psychiatrist

Sunglasses - Perfect for normal sun, white dwarfs, red giants.

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

Anthropomorphism Laboratory.

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."