Communication Junkie Pillows

'His lips said 'maybe', but his eyes said 'hell no'.'

'It appears your son has a tweeting disorder'

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

"Don't forget to ask their e-mail address."

"This is weird . . . I haven't got a single text or email in the past three minutes."

"Would you like me to annotate that for you?"

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

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"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"You've got to learn about verbs. How else are you going to verbalize your feelings?

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"Hello? Speaking, not listening."

"I don't believe I've missed a single sign since you made the switch to Power Point."

"Could you please focus on the objective of this meeting, Tom... you can get back to your 300 followers later."

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

She - Interpreter - He.

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

"Can you tell the oak tree to tell the birch tree to tell the elm tree I said hi?"

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

Letter Collecting Nerd

Addicted to Facebook...lost internet connection.

'The usual ‘nod, nod, wink, wink' will do, Walter. We don't need the eyebrow twitch and nostril flares.'

"'Original' to 'Carbon-Paper': Do you copy?"

"Hi, you've reached Susan's desk. I am monotasking right now, so I'll call you back it's the phone's turn again. Beep!"

Twitter censorship

On-the-job creativity may go unrewarded an may even create consternation among co-workers.

'Let us pray...'

"Siri, find oxygen."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"Never mind the sea, does it get wi-fi?"

"When we first started seeing each other, we would always use the same word for snow."

"C'mon, time to get up and stare at your devices all day."

Birds on a wire, "Bernie?...Oh he's gone cable!"

'We finally learned to communicate, and he's worse than I thought he was!

They had a tendency to talk past one another.