Comic Lover Who Enjoys Dark Humor Pillows

"Your weight problem is partly genetic but mainly cheeseburger."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

Dead Funny

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Housekeeping?!"

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

End the Winter Blues

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I've got a bad feeling about this."