Dark Comedy Lover Pillows

'That would be a whole lot funnier if it weren't hooked up to your colostomy bag.'

'Hmmm...I think I've figured out why you're slicing...'

Good News, Bad News - Save the Leg.

"With these credit default swaps, I never know whose legs I'm supposed to break."

'I'd better run some tests... It could be cancer.'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

"You can afford to retire at 65, but you'll need to die at 70."

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"Sorry – there's a shortage of beds. On the bright side, you're way more infectious than the guy next to you."

'Did you feed the new plant, Frank?...Frank?'

'It's not that I'm afraid of dying, Doctor... It's just that I don't want to be there when it happens!'

"Relax. I'm here for the Christmas tree."

"Peanuts, lactose and gluten are fine. I'm checking for garlic."

'I hope you're not a lawyer or a politician. We're trying to diversify down here.'

'That's why patients shouldn't be told certain things.'

Viral Pathology Center (janitor finding three dead bodies)

'Got a minute, Sir?'

'If by 'recalcitrant' you mean 'dead'. you're correct.'

'...Because I enjoy working with people!'

"Gravity's not going to tell me how to live my life!"

'I planned to have him cremated - but you know me, always changing my mind at the very last minute.'

'He still doesn't know how serious an amputation he's had, nurse, so try not to act too shocked.'

"You're late."

"Is there anyone else in bookkeeping who would like one last picture with Mr. Pinkston?"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Yes, I miss him too. Mind you, he's not dead yet. This is just the rehearsal."

"And would you like to donate a dollar to help people in hell?"

'Get the hell back in here! Are you trying to give our firm a bad name?'

'...And last year I finally bagged me the big one!'

Santa: 'Apparently, they found the personal details of hundreds of children on his computer.'

"He's paranoid someone will steal his identity..."

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"The amputation went well Mr Jones, but we have one slight hiccup."

"I asked our tech support to escalate me to the next level...they transferred me to a suicide hotline!"

'Well, I don't know how to break the bad news to you, Mr. Jenson, but ...'