Dark Comedy Lover Pillows

'That would be a whole lot funnier if it weren't hooked up to your colostomy bag.'

'Hmmm...I think I've figured out why you're slicing...'

Good News, Bad News - Save the Leg.

"With these credit default swaps, I never know whose legs I'm supposed to break."

'I'd better run some tests... It could be cancer.'

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"You can afford to retire at 65, but you'll need to die at 70."

'Did you feed the new plant, Frank?...Frank?'

"Sorry – there's a shortage of beds. On the bright side, you're way more infectious than the guy next to you."

'It's not that I'm afraid of dying, Doctor... It's just that I don't want to be there when it happens!'

"Relax. I'm here for the Christmas tree."

"Peanuts, lactose and gluten are fine. I'm checking for garlic."

'As it turned out, I was in the group that received nothing but a placebo the whole time.'

'How am I doin', guys? Guys?'

'I hope you're not a lawyer or a politician. We're trying to diversify down here.'

Viral Pathology Center (janitor finding three dead bodies)

'If by 'recalcitrant' you mean 'dead'. you're correct.'

'That's why patients shouldn't be told certain things.'

'Got a minute, Sir?'

"Gravity's not going to tell me how to live my life!"

'...Because I enjoy working with people!'

'He still doesn't know how serious an amputation he's had, nurse, so try not to act too shocked.'

'I planned to have him cremated - but you know me, always changing my mind at the very last minute.'

From the moment his blind date showed up, the Count knew it wasn't going to work out.

"And would you like to donate a dollar to help people in hell?"

'Well, I don't know how to break the bad news to you, Mr. Jenson, but ...'

Santa: 'Apparently, they found the personal details of hundreds of children on his computer.'

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Is there anyone else in bookkeeping who would like one last picture with Mr. Pinkston?"

'...And last year I finally bagged me the big one!'

"He's paranoid someone will steal his identity..."

"You have third-degree burns over most of your body. At least your chin looks OK ??" aside from that big hairy mole."

"You're late."