Comic Investor Pillows

'This year's stock market compared to last year's? Well, that is a bit before my time.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

"Any questions?" (Company's down the toilet.)

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Large cap funds

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

"The government wants us to wear these bonus hazard suits."

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.