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Cockroaches struggle to use the ski lift.

"It's from that Alastair Cooke again"

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

The city of San Francisco switches from cable cars to satellite dish at a cost of only $79.99 a month for the first six months.

'Before we staqrt biting do you practice catch and release?'

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

South Pork

Act as though you're in a screwball comedy.

"Where are the perineums?" "Aisle 3. Between the vaginas and the rectums."

The Family Joules: Part 17

Open Mike Night Presents the Comedy Stylings of Rudy Park. Did you hear about the iPhone that hired the best wedding planner in the country because it wanted a great reception? Clap. And then there was the autocorrect programmer who got rejected when he asked a lady out on a debate. The romance didn't last long when the cable tv box found out how spacey the satellite tv box was. Get off the stage! The one who invented binary code was a real zero. Boo. Hiss. I don't even get that one, and I'm gla

Hi love...one less for tea tonight

'Hmm. . . no criminal record. I'm concerned you lack commitment.'

Fini. That show was schmaltzy, way too sentimental. I'll never criticize anything that can be described as "cheesy"!

Stephen Fry

"All the Biden jobs went to illegal ALIENS."

'My client is willing to endure raised eyebrows from the general public for his behaviour.'

'Because Elvis is FULL of philosophical insights.'

"His majesty wants to binge-watch some comedy. Can you whip up 10 hours of new material?"

'I couldn't figure out how to get rid of those stupid subtitles, so I slapped some duct tape over them.'

"Oh, look. Here comes the winner of the miniature Marmaduke look-alike contest!"

'Oh, please! Not another of your 'my colleagues hate me' stories! I'm sure it's all in your head!'

'Barely an love and already arguing.'

And now it's time for "Critic's Corner." Today, Gene will criticize the basic structure of the universe.

'Since you stole my identity I thought I'd bring you the rest of the package.'

Private thoughts of a television. I'd love the chance to ad lib just once!

'And what about you cowardly lion, have you seen my little Toto...?'

''60 Minutes' will not be seen tonight, because all our reporters seem to have gotten themselves locked up in a Turkish prison.'

'I do, providing I get equal time with the TV remote.'

Dirty Deeds

I think the couch potatoes are going to make you their poster boy. Only if they send a photographer over --- I'm not moving.

'The problem with his fancy air-conditioned car is that I can't stick my head out of the window anymore...'