Comedy Thinker Pillows

"I prefer to think of it as the death expectancy gap."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Zenemies.

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Medieval Vacation: 'What? I am relaxed. I'm relaxing!'

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

This will really mess with their minds someday.

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

"What if it's smarter than us?"

Seneca

Human meat.

'Dear editor, today I saw the first cuckold of spring...' (Divorce Lawyer).

"What's it all about?"

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"Mind if I tweak it?"

Department de Philosophie

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

The thinker Easter egg

'People just aren't as committed as they used to be.'

"Employees bound to their employer by desperation and fear of unemployment. Now THAT'S my idea of a union!"

'What did you do with the whale I harpooned yesterday?'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Go home, you're not part of my target market."

The Graveyard of Deleted Tweets

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'