Comedy Theorist Pillows

"No, it's not funny. But it's in the tradition of funny."

"The Earthling seems to be waiting for us to do something with the gift he has given us."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Zenemies.

Optimist

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

Studying String Cheese Theory

"What if it's smarter than us?"

Seneca

Human meat.

Venice 1609: Someone plays a practical joke on Galileo. . .

"At this school we stress critical thinking. And right now I'm very critical of your thinking."

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

Bertrand Russell

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"What's it all about?"

"Mind if I tweak it?"

Department de Philosophie

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

"I take it you agree that there can be no meaningful thought without the existence of language."

"Poor Karl Marx...If he had known that guys like you are called 'human capital' these days he would have called his book 'The Sloth.'"

Lift at Mouse Hole.

'Are they called 'pyramids' because the Pharaoh used a pyramid scheme to finance them?'

'Sure I'm interested in symbolism. Money is a symbol, isn't it?'

"Go home, you're not part of my target market."

The Graveyard of Deleted Tweets

'Let me know when you're ready to hear my preposterous spin on this.'