Comedy Nights Pillows

'Yes wise guy, as it happens, I do have a reservation!'

Zombie standup

Children's Parties

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Life is for the birds.

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

Christmas in the Fish Bowl

"I know we just met, but all I got is a twenty-four-hour pass!"

Lesser known greek gods,

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

'What's the big deal about acid rain? Can't we just make alkaline rain to counteract it?'

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

'Well,he certainly has his father's nose!'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

I'm accused of kicking you in the womb, but your evidence is purely circumstantial. Lawyer baby.

"Move ten paces, turn, then fire. Ready?" "Dibs on the hat."

Same Day Delivery: "I wish!"

Romeo & Juliet & Ron

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

Karataoke

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Don't worry about getting lost, folks. These trails are all well marked. . . if I do say so myself.'

'I'd like my £2.50 back'

How Amazon was invented

"Well what does the GPS say?"

"At some point, there's only so high you can raise the volume before you admit you're never gonna understand what British detectives are saying."

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."