Comedy Night Gifts

Seasonal Overlap

'I can't believe you think that hypnotist was for real.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

Off Off Off Off Broadway

Stand up comedians from outer space.

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

'No, not that one, too Woody Allen...'

Welcome to Radio City Music Hall.

America's funniest election gaffes

'Ha, ha! But seriously folks...'

Sit Down Comedy Night: 'Did you hear the one about...?'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Occu-Pie Mars

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"How can you be out of wings?"

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

They hated me.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."