Comedy Dreamer Gifts

Jerry Onion's dream has always been to be a stand-up comedian, but whenever he is on stage, the audience's reaction is not precisely the one he expected.

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

US Immigration and Naturalization Service: If you're yearning to breath free...Get Out.

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"When I grow up, I want to become president and eventually the subject of a groundbreaking, critically-acclaimed Broadway musical."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'Oh for heaven's sake, you're a cow. Just eat grass and be happy.'

Giant using sheep as cotton buds

"Me, as soon as I'm old enough, I'm out of here! I'll go and join my older brother: he's a beach bum in San Diego, California..."

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

"I never dreamed we'd migrate."

Canadian film production

Could you see anything in her? I certainly couldn't! (Man's eyes are popping out of his head).

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

"Ambitions... to open an office on Mars. Kennedy Space Center."

"You think you're a monster because you have poor self image."

'I still want to be a cowboy.'

"Which part are you reading for?"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Do you ever feel like you were meant for something else?"

'What can you wish for?!... Oh, I don't know... Infinite wealth, beautiful women throwing themselves at your feet, fame and admiration, perhaps?... But, don't let me influence you.'

A man with Dwarfism is reading Little Women.

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

"I dreamt we got a 'sorry you were out' card."

Beat Fatigue - Stay in Bed.

'Never underestimate the value of pipe-dreams, my son.'