Comedy Crowd Member Pillows

"I think we need to have that talk to explain how bad stuff happens in the world."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

"Would you like to try them out?"

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Death Beggar

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

An early turning-point in old Hollywood...

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

How to deliver a baby grand.

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

Monet At Open Mic Night

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"It's not you. It's pea."

Freddy Starr died here.

"I want to report a race crime.'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."