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"I think we need to have that talk to explain how bad stuff happens in the world."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

I'd invite you in, but my husband, my boyfriend and my python are all very jealous.

"Would you like to try them out?"

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Death Beggar

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Bob Odenkirk

An early turning-point in old Hollywood...

'These are my 'golfing socks'... there's a hole in one!'

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

How to deliver a baby grand.

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

The chefs were helping local actors who were tired of having short roles... by giving them a long loaf!

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

"I want to report a race crime.'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

"It's not you. It's pea."

Monet At Open Mic Night

Alan Davies.

"Stand-up comedy." "On-your-knees-with-gas-pain comedy." "Please, God, make it stop..."

Freddy Starr died here.