Comedy Club Attendee Pillows

Man pretending to sleepwalk out of a sermon.

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Zombie standup

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Would you like to try them out?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Do kids eat free?"

"I keep having these funny moods, doctor."

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Hypnotoon

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

Death Beggar

Gangsta wrap.

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'