Comedy Connaisseur Pillows

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

Reading my Critics

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'He likes to power nap.'

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

The Trojan Beagle.

Happy Hour

Bangers and Mash

Emergency Phone.

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

The Snarky District

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

10 Good Things about a Minnesota Winter.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."