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'I thought we had six fish in the livewell.'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

"That'll be five bucks."

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

"Cat World Domination Day June 24th"

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"Puss in cement boots"

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

Humans Queue To Use Portable Toilet While Dogs Queue To Use Tree Portable Toilet

'I was told you two have a love-hate relationship. Care to elaborate on that?'

"He looks just like your husband."

"Friends have been scribbling on my cast."

Standard & Poor

Technique #54 airlines are adopting for handling excessive carry on luggage.

"He says he's sure this isn't Wildwood. Did you put batteries in the GPS?"

Plum jam...

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

Frank & Ernest. Signe Painted. Cosmetology Dept. That should be "cosmology"! Why do you always get those two confused? I always think the one about space should have an "et" in it.

"We get fantastic indoor facilities during the cold months."

"Beer? I see you taught Roscoe to fetch?"

"Don't go in there!!"

The first case of resume padding.

"Those are the lyrics? How embarrassing—I've been singing it wrong this whole time."

Yakety-Yak

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'He's trying to talk them into giving themselves up!'