Comedy Buff Pillows

"Welcome to America, bitch."

About time!

'We are the last Dodos on the planet, so I've put all of our eggs safely into this basket...'

'And you say you check your e-mail on average three or four hundred times a day?'

'I'll be honest. Your chances of success are slim.'

"And who is going to be the Godfather?"

Fort Issimo: 'I don't like it - it's too quiet.'

"Well, we've learned one thing from all this ? burglars shouldn't keep diaries."

Man sawing the branch that he stands on.

'It's a pretty nice warrant, all right, but I wouldn't call it 'outstanding'.'

One-man show: Only one man shows up in audience.

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

"Something sleek and recessionproof, Edward."

How glamorous, I've never met a pilot

Champagne disaster.

'I'm worried about this new brain of scarecrows...'

'No! Not rare, not medium, not well-done: I want my steak raw! Thank you...'

'Buying ice cream off the internet seemed like a good idea at the time.'

'I see you used to be in ointment.'

'...and how satisfied are you with the food? (1) very satisfied,(2) satisfied,(3) needs improvements.'

'I wonder if they have any with water filters?'

Umbrella in case marked: 'In case of prediction error.'

Rollercoaster opens when it is still being built.

"Is that rain? or the opera singer?"

Guy wearing cap backwards, shades his eyes.

Dame Edna Everage

'Whoa! - These aren't touchy-feely at ALL!'

The perfect choice for president?... Stephen Colbert!

'Why are you taking Gas-X?' 'To preserve the ozone.'

'Freedom is nice, but I miss the Circus for the applause and the three square meals a day...'

I.R.S. Audit Division: No 'Enhanced Interrogation Techniques' are used.

"Is there a vegan option?"

Postman Pat and Noddy Road Rage

'Ring cycle'

In medical terms, it's known as cat's got your tongue.