Comedy Buff Gifts

"Welcome to America, bitch."

About time!

'We are the last Dodos on the planet, so I've put all of our eggs safely into this basket...'

'I'll be honest. Your chances of success are slim.'

"And who is going to be the Godfather?"

Fort Issimo: 'I don't like it - it's too quiet.'

"Well, we've learned one thing from all this ? burglars shouldn't keep diaries."

'It's a pretty nice warrant, all right, but I wouldn't call it 'outstanding'.'

Man sawing the branch that he stands on.

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

One-man show: Only one man shows up in audience.

"Something sleek and recessionproof, Edward."

'Buying ice cream off the internet seemed like a good idea at the time.'

'I wonder if they have any with water filters?'

'I see you used to be in ointment.'

Champagne disaster.

'...and how satisfied are you with the food? (1) very satisfied,(2) satisfied,(3) needs improvements.'

'I'm worried about this new brain of scarecrows...'

'No! Not rare, not medium, not well-done: I want my steak raw! Thank you...'

How glamorous, I've never met a pilot

Postman Pat and Noddy Road Rage

"Is there a vegan option?"

"I can't fly - but neither can you."

'Whoa! - These aren't touchy-feely at ALL!'

Umbrella in case marked: 'In case of prediction error.'

"Is that rain? or the opera singer?"

In medical terms, it's known as cat's got your tongue.

Rollercoaster opens when it is still being built.

I.R.S. Audit Division: No 'Enhanced Interrogation Techniques' are used.

'Freedom is nice, but I miss the Circus for the applause and the three square meals a day...'

'Ring cycle'

Crab pinches a water polo goalkeeper

Hunting the elusive balloon whale.

"Paper or plastic?"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."