Comedic Novelist T-Shirts

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

Danae's Prescient Auto-Biography: '...Danae heard about Mark Twain's autobiography being published 100 years after his death and it gave her an idea to take it a step further...'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

'A is for Arse.'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Examination.

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

"Cliff's really devoted to his art. He'll wait hours for someone to take a shot to the groin."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Jumble Sale

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

The Swiss Arm-y Wife

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'