Comedic Driving Coach T-Shirts

'No, first start the engine, then bark!'

"I need to tinkle."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

No Instruments Please

'Like the 'Cobra' and the 'Viper', my car is named for a snake too - the 'Rattler'.'

'I need both hands for steering.'

Moses comes to Los Angeles.

'Should I try a three point turn?' - 'Better not, we only have 30 minutes left.'

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

'In the few remaining minutes of the lesson I can't do better than to show you how to fill an accident form.'

'At least the bigger prop gives us more thrust.'

"No, I said, 'You turn here, not, 'U-Turn here'."

"Of course I know what the rearview mirror is for...to check at any moment if my hair still looks ok."

'Work the ring! Use the Jab! Watch out for the left hook! And turn off your iPod.'

Danger: Reading warning signs costs lives.

"We're making exiting advances in alternative car care."

'It's been so long since he's been on dry land.'

'What do you mean the men are unhappy! What on earth gives you that idea?'

'If you're a driver who likes it all, take a look at this! Sour cream, onions, cheddar cheese, and bacon bits - this baby's loaded!!!'

"You know how some writers are known as 'writer's writers'? I'm what's known as a 'driving instructor.' "

"I wasn't texting while driving. I was driving while texting."

I hate to tell you this, but that's a can of maple syrup, not motor oil.

'I know that I told you not to hog the crown of the road, but this is ridiculous!'

"Good boy. Now speed up a little and try sticking your head out even farther."

'Hike the Alps? I'm getting out of breath just keeping my foot on the accelerator!'

'Aren't you going to teach me how to drive while texting?'

'Until 1989 I never had an accident...then I bought a car.'

'Check your blind spot'

'You say that you were taught by your dad. Is he a cabbie by any chance?'

'Surely you can't book me for laughing, officer'

"Don't cry this time, it is off putting."

'To thumb a lift from this one mate, you must be tired of life!'

Golf Ball in Nest.

'This will be great for chase scenes.'