Comedic Crisis Responders Pillows

"God, if you get me back to shore, I'll give you everything I own. Okay, fifty percent of everything. How about ten percent plus community work..."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Who's got the hammer?"

Man with fishing line going into water. Fishing line coming down from sky.

Could you send a plumber out? I think the washers have gone!

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Breast Height Chart

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

Only then, did Medusa realise her mistake.

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

'Just remember, he's bigger, but you're funnier. As soon as he starts laughing, you've got him!'

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'The guys say that the stripper won't be available before our wedding...would you mind if I had my bachelor party after the honeymoon?'

"Haven't you a small one that would fit into a soldier's pack?"

'I used to trade in futures until I learned the planet doesn't have one.'

Biological Alarm Clock.

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

'Alright, alright. I had a hard day fighting crime. No need to get smart about it.'

'Cool it with the herbal shampoo -- you've got aphids.'

"Our records show that you unsubscribed to our company's e-newsletter. We need to have a little talk."

Cat doctor to cat patient sitting on exam table 'All I'm saying is liposuction won't help if you don't lay off the tuna smoothies.'

'Will you tell the dog I live here!'

'... and then he slammed the door in my face...'

Pirate Paddle Boat.

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

"You keep him busy while I go for help."

"5 second rule!"

'It's your lucky day. I just went vegan.'

"That's it - we've eaten the last of the energy bills."

"I have the smokey eyes look. Can the doctor still give me an eye exam?"

'An optician was having a closing down sale...I got the last pair!'

'I'm afraid we don't have any gentlemen on hand right now -- how about a good old boy?'

'These lousy free-range chickens think that they just own the whole world!'