Comedic Animal Perspective Pillows

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

Biofelineism

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Why can't you just dig things up like normal dogs?"

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

The Rolling Bones

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

When psychiatry works too well!

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'Do you have to do that every time?'

Tree growing

"Oh, God, am I housebroken."

'Why do I always pick the slow moving queue?'

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

'You look lovely, but we need to lengthen your train a bit...'

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

"Pet peeves" "I fear the cat." "I fear the cat" "I fear the cat." "Fecced me."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"I only know 'Sit' and 'Stay.' "

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

'Pointless Pets: A ceramic tiled giraffe.'

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."