Comedian Seeking Irony Gifts

"Apparently reading about the causes of cancer gives you cancer."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

Hotel mini-bar.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."