Comedian Seeking Irony Gifts

"Apparently reading about the causes of cancer gives you cancer."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'