Colonels Pillows

No Playing at Soldiers

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

Infantry.

'At ease, soldier.'

'Come on inspector, you call this fair?'

Uncle Mort, you fought in Korea, right? You think that war will start up again? Not if I can help it. It was the morning of July 27, nineteen hundred and fifty-three. I was pinned down on Pork Chop Hill. My bazooka had run out of ammo. All I could find to load into it was a stuffed panda bear. I loaded it and fired that bear into the maw of the enemy. It struck one of them atop the noggin. Moments later, the armistice was signed. Every July 27th, I awaken at dawn and chuck that same panda at the

'Your wife called to remind you that you're married, sir.'

'Somebody's got to be kidding,'

'Me? Morale Officer? --Why do you always pick on ME?'

Startling!

Banting in the Yeomanry

"TV violence made him do it. Says he'll name shows if we drop the charges."

'I came to the new world to find something...now what was it?'

'No. No. Don't bomb them now. Wait until morning, when the birds are singing and the air is alive with a sense of possibility.'

Diplomats in the form of doormats

"Sorry sir, it's the permafrost again!"

Policeman's face reveals clock.

'Certainly Madame - it's summer time!'

'Let the ball do the work, son.'

'I found it on Craig's List.'

'I must admit, I do look good in stripes.'

'I don't want to mention any names, but one of you isn't giving 100% out there.'

The old colonel wished he was in the land of cotton.

'General practitoner'

General says, 'Gentlemen, no more war. Because of health concerns they've recalled everything that contains lead, like our bullets.'

'I want to be them!'

'And I'll bet that there's a cute little war story that goes with each one of them.'

'I didn't know you got one for saluting.'

'Mars will have an oxygen atmosphere within six months. We just sent a payload of Kudzu there.'

'....and how big was this bee, Sir?'

'We now have enough nuclear weapons to blow up the earth sixteen times, which should finally take care of the mole problem in my front yard!'

'Have you been in long?'

'Oh, I'm reasonably ambitious about my military career, sir, but I don't want to set the world on fire.'

Army Promotions Board. You need to select one of these contenders for promotion to lieutenant colonet. It's like being in college. I have to pick a major.

If Punditry Was Related to Real Life