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"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

"The subwoofers really help."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Jesus Christ

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

The Big Four debate banking ethics

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

-What did the carrot say to the onion? -What? -Nothing, vegetables don't talk!

"Actually, I got my nickname because I live in a loft."

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

Thank God for the misfits and dregs of society!

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."

"Some say the world will end in noodles, some say in rice."

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

"I didn't jump, I fell asleep waiting."

'I'm fed up with this hosepipe ban... I mean, it's not like we really need one.'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

Sen. Krupt. I can't believe how little I was offered for my seat --- It's hardly been used!