College Life Rememberer Prints

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

'You must have been wearing your beer googles.'

'The Great Depression? Didn't they have Prozac then?'

Santa does a keg stand.

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist … had a kid, blah blah … but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

The farm-raised catfish goes to college

The Spring Break Venus

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

'It was your typical student flat: dirty dishes, broken furniture, grubby carpet and cracks in the walls'

"I found my old college classmates and my college uncovered my old tuition loans!"

"Room, board, books, and tuition--I draw the line at corkage fees."

The life of a professor is great- it's either publish or PARIS!'

"Enjoy your youth. Soon you'll be an old cynic like me with nothing worth barking at."

Canine Frat Parties

'Before you look at that, you should know I found an old report card of yours in the attic.'

"I went to my college class reunion. Everyone else is unemployed."

"Cool, what's it say?"

"Hey, while you guys have that laser thingy out, how about removing that tattoo? Don't ask, it was a college thing."

Graduation.

'Don't let her charm you. When we were in the lunch room, I saw her eating veggies.'

I'm not interested in buying new technology. What's wrong with me? Don't worry. I went through a brief period in college where I wasn't attracted to women. I didn't want to date or even have flings. It was a dark, horrible abyss that felt like it would never, ever end! How is this helping? Red Maxim repeatedly until it passes.

"School is a lot like life. It's hours and hours of boredom...interrupted by the occasional moment of panic."

I was supposed to speak at Berkeley about my new book on male-female relations. What do you mean "supposed to"? A few students protested, and before we knew it, radical outside agitators from the Anti-Lovin' Brigade started throwing Molotov cocktails. Then everyone blamed the students, and Berkeley fell sixteen notches on the Princeton Review's list of party schools. I'm surprised you let some "brigade" shut down your speech, Randy. The cute brigadier's eyes and mine met across a burning quad ..

'True, free Top Ramen isn't much of a grant - in - aid, but it's better than nothing.'

"Hey! Mine is a list of debt counselors."

Bank. I dreamed last night that I was back in high school, and I forgot my locker combination.

'Well, if it isn't Frank Logan! I hear you did pretty well for yourself.'

"How real is your fake ID?"

'I'm afraid all those goldfish you swallowed back in college have finally caught up with you.'

"It's the stress of freshman year, sir."

"Well Johnson, you haven't changed a bit."

'My school reunion is in three days. Any suggestions on how I can at least appear to have achieved greatness by then?'

"Congratulations, keep moving, please. Congratulations, keep moving, please. Congratulations..."