College Connoisseur Pillows

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

'My mom said someday I'll grow up and go to college!' 'My mom can burp the alphabet. She learned how in college!'

'I started a whole new business, Mom! Kids are paying me to complete their college applications.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

'He likes to power nap.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

The Trojan Beagle.

Happy Hour

Bangers and Mash

Emergency Phone.

'I was an egg in the Easter play.'

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

The Snarky District

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

10 Good Things about a Minnesota Winter.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"