College Connoisseur Pillows

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

'My mom said someday I'll grow up and go to college!' 'My mom can burp the alphabet. She learned how in college!'

'I started a whole new business, Mom! Kids are paying me to complete their college applications.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'He likes to power nap.'

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

The Trojan Beagle.

Happy Hour

The Snarky District

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'I haven't been able to come to grips with it. My hands are too small.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

10 Good Things about a Minnesota Winter.

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

'Satchel, I have just had a revelation.'

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'