College-bound Hopeful Pillows

"That's Ruffles, our I.Q.-sniffing dog."

"One year closer to college!"

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Trust

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Be afraid to try new things!"

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'Good news Mom. I was accepted to the college of your choice.'

'And here's my collection of stock in DiscoCorp... or as I call it, your college fund.'

Not The Real Me

I got into the college everyone wants to go to! Well played. It's the perfect fit for me! Way to go! Eco-Club. Which one is it? Dunno. Why do you care? So I don't apply there!

I'm interning at town hall for my college transcript. Cool. I'm taking AP classes to boost my GPA. How about you, Twig? I'm working at my dad's nursery. What do you get out of that? Money. Novel idea!

'That's all there is in my college fund? That won't even buy the beer!'

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

"You see 'The Man' devised this shrewd plan so more people can go to college and become doctors and lawyers and stuff. Now that they're 'productive members of society,' revolution is the last thing on their minds! I plan to make that my doctoral thesis wh

I'm freaking out! Thursday is dress rehearsal. Nerves? Work! I've got a math and history test on Friday. Why did I ever sign up for the spring musical? Because it's fun? West Fester High School. On my college application it'll look like I had fun. It'll go with your "Looks aren't important" essay.

"This'll look great on my transcript!"

The sixth college sense. 'I see debt people.'

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

'Well, Gosh...! How did you know I was an incoming freshman...?'

Slage University Admissions.

"Higher learning gets higher each year."

'If you aren't careful, son, you'll be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

I'm forgetting which college is which. Their brochures are all alike. University of. It's always fall or spring. Apply! There's always a multi-cultural group of kids hanging out. There's always a girl in goggles working in a science lab with an ethnic-looking prof. It's reassuring. They all celebrate their diversity in the exact same way! And charge the exact same for it!

"Do you think about life after high school? Like...what are you taking when you go to college?"

"Don't worry, Mom and Dad. I promise to only make mistakes you never made."

"Papi, will I be the first in our family to go to college?"

'I'm sorry but we don't have athletic scholarships for video games.'

As he picked up the video game controller, the trap was sprung, and Ryan's mother forced him to fill out college applications.