Collecting Spirits Pillows

'Uncle Jerry?'

'I don't care what she'sez. I only dring t'get to the worm.'

"To the gentleman in the back, at four pounds, last bottle of gin in all Khartoum!"

"Heads up, Mr. B. Come February, we make the switch to high-def booze."

Old Mr. Boston Sloe Gin

'No, she's not my wife, but throw in a bottle of scotch and I'll take her off your hands.'

Hell's Bells Whisky

The Angel's Share

"For decades we lemmings have been jumping off cliffs. I don't want to do that, I want to drown myself in 40 year old scotch."

Ice pack for the heart.

'A cheeky red?'

Wine Lady

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"You got maybe one that smells like cheese blintzes frying?"

'Al, that hopeless romantic, sends me love letters written in wine. I just wish he'd use red instead of white.'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

Some scents are nonsense.

'Does this perfume have an antidote?'

'French hypermarket' ' 5 English or less' till

true love.

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

kangaroos hopping around in a vat of grapes to make wine for Australian wine company.

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"Quick swig first?"

Old Spice

Portfolio, 2011

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'