Coffee Shop Conversationalist T-Shirts

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"You don't whisper anymore."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

How About Serving Us For a Change

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

Continental Drift.

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

"So have you been watching Bridgerton?"

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"It just wasn't working out. He's liberal low-carb and I'm strict keto."

...Five ways for the cities-towns to raise money...

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

'I've given up on looking for the bluebird of happiness. . . I'd settle for the chicken of contentment!'

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

"I can see the green shoots of recovery. The fag butts are getting longer."

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'What are you staring at? You have free wi fi here, don't you?'

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

I have to admit, I enjoyed that fruity concoction you convinced me to try. In light of that, I will extend to you a brief respite from my usually relentless attacks upon your character.

"They want to turn the clocks back?"

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

I'm finally done celebrating the State of the Union address. What are you talking about? House of Java.net CyberCafe. Every year after the speech, I drive cross-country and date ladies from every region, and of every race, creed and color. It's my way of spending time with like-minded patriots to celebrate how we're all more similar than we are different. Whether you're in California, the deep south or far-off Hawaii, you're never more than a 2-hour drive from miniature golf. Think about that.