Coffee Joker Pillows

"Introducing the Schultzaccino. Neither tea nor coffee."

"Go ahead. It's decaf."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

"I'll wait a moment for everyone's energy drink to kick in."

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

"If Google Translate is correct, they want our women and our cattle."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

'All right! Who put my dozing-off during our last meeting on youtube?'

'What's the smallest budget you can manage on?' 'The most you can give me!'

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'You're off the plane, Hal. Put the laptop on your desk.'

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

Check zombies.

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'