Coffee Conversationalists Pillows

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

"So have you been watching Bridgerton?"

"It just wasn't working out. He's liberal low-carb and I'm strict keto."

'I preferred it before you started taking Prozac.'

"I got married once - to avoid writing."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

'I've given up on looking for the bluebird of happiness. . . I'd settle for the chicken of contentment!'

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

"He's your type--gorgeous, successful, and totally unavailable."

'Well there hasn't been a ring yet! But he did say that we were going to look at bridle wear - so, I know what that means. . . he loves me, Joanne.'

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

I'm finally done celebrating the State of the Union address. What are you talking about? House of Java.net CyberCafe. Every year after the speech, I drive cross-country and date ladies from every region, and of every race, creed and color. It's my way of spending time with like-minded patriots to celebrate how we're all more similar than we are different. Whether you're in California, the deep south or far-off Hawaii, you're never more than a 2-hour drive from miniature golf. Think about that.

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'

'Did someone forget to circle before dinner.'

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

"Actually, I was first drawn to Judaism not because of the religious beliefs but the dietary restrictions!"

"Why is it sooo difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking. . . ?"

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."