Breakfast Conversationalists Pillows

"Why can't you read the paper at breakfast, like other husbands?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

No, no, don't tell me … you lost weight? You cut your hair? Wait, did you used to wear glasses?

Imaginary boyfriends are best.

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

"I think he should cut a deal and invite Paula Jones to join NATO."

'We were made for each other...we hate the same TV shows.'

Chick in noodle soup.

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"Hi Mike, how's the Leprosy research going?"

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

"Phil is my Vice President in Charge of Snappy Comebacks."

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"Come on now. It's not that bad. We never even had Paris."

I'm finally done celebrating the State of the Union address. What are you talking about? House of Java.net CyberCafe. Every year after the speech, I drive cross-country and date ladies from every region, and of every race, creed and color. It's my way of spending time with like-minded patriots to celebrate how we're all more similar than we are different. Whether you're in California, the deep south or far-off Hawaii, you're never more than a 2-hour drive from miniature golf. Think about that.

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

"What is it about us that makes only crazy people want to talk to us?"

"Not to be a killjoy, but this happened on our property. Are liable?"

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."

"I was going to wake you up with oral sex this morning, but you looked like you could use the extra sleep."

"Let’s start with that waiter over there."

'Say 'Nessage in a gottle.' one more time and I'm putting you back in your box.'

"The longer it takes him to recite the specials, the guiltier I feel for not ordering one."

"Why is it sooo difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking. . . ?"