Caffeinated Conversationalist Pillows

'He seemed like a real 'stand up guy' - and sure enough, he stood me up.'

"I haven't confirmed it personally, but I hear the Lutherans have the best coffee."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

Still Coffee Runs Deep

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

"It's too good. I think it's going to be a forgery, not just a copy."

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

Pallbearers sitting around radio: 'This just in! Tributes are pouring in for the legendary tenor Pavarotti, who passed away earlier today....'

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"All the good ones are neutered."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

'I see that you're a fully integrated immigrant to this country.'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

'Whoa, Buddy, I think you've had enough...'

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

"Why is it sooo difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking. . . ?"

'Yes that's right I ordered 2 doubles. Why, did you want a drink too?'