Caffeinated Conversationalist Pillows

'He seemed like a real 'stand up guy' - and sure enough, he stood me up.'

"I haven't confirmed it personally, but I hear the Lutherans have the best coffee."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

Still Coffee Runs Deep

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"It's too good. I think it's going to be a forgery, not just a copy."

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

"All the good ones are neutered."

"Is this the wobbly table? I'll put my screenplay under this leg."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"I broke it off with him when I realized his love of quinoa was but a sham."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

Pallbearers sitting around radio: 'This just in! Tributes are pouring in for the legendary tenor Pavarotti, who passed away earlier today....'

'I see that you're a fully integrated immigrant to this country.'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

'Has anyone ever told you your tweets are Hemingwayesque?'

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

I'm finally done celebrating the State of the Union address. What are you talking about? House of Java.net CyberCafe. Every year after the speech, I drive cross-country and date ladies from every region, and of every race, creed and color. It's my way of spending time with like-minded patriots to celebrate how we're all more similar than we are different. Whether you're in California, the deep south or far-off Hawaii, you're never more than a 2-hour drive from miniature golf. Think about that.

'Whoa, Buddy, I think you've had enough...'

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

Exciting news. I've retired our small size coffee. I've replaced it with the big. What if people want jut a little bit to drink? They should order the big. Isn't it bigger? It's the same size as the old small. Just like the old medium. It's the same as before, but it now called the grandeur. And in place of the old large, I give you the skyscraper. Modern cafe theory: Same size drinks but larger names. Our prices must rise to reflect our generosity.

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."