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'Does the suicide clause apply if he eats himself to death?'

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

One way only.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

"Mr. Evans, it's a speeding ticket. You can't plea insanity."

"...And now show us what you said."

"The cookies are always stale."

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

'Everyone's a stand-up comic these days.'

"I bit someone once. It tasted like chicken."

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

'My client pleads not guilty, Your Honor, on the grounds that it's so hard to find decent role models these days.'

"Or was it: 'Bubble, bubble, TOIL and trouble?'"

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

'Bless you!'

"I keep getting into a flap."

'He promises us manna and give us commandments - Classic bait-and-switch!'

"Actually, I got my nickname because I live in a loft."

"Sorry for the confusion, but it's Poetry Night, not Poultry Night."

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

'There's a policeman here who thinks I shouldn't be talking on the cellphone while driving.'

"For parking in a handicap space, I sentence you to 30 days in a wheelchair!'

What your acoustic guitar says about you