Civil War Storyteller Gifts

Grant's Overland Campaign: In the Trenches before Petersburg

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

'Of all the nerve!...Making us sit through the whole of their Bayeux Tapestries!!'

'How do you like my fantasy weekend so far?'

"The knights of the round accent table"

"I guess I was a good shot, because I took down 50 Nazis...all by myself. That's how I got my silver star. Honestly, I don't consider myself a hero. I consider myself lucky."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"Remember when we had to get along on twenty-one dollars a month!"

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

Rocket Ark

'It's been five years since leaving Iraq and I'm still getting the sand out my ears.'

'Oh yeah. He's the fastest in the west alright. The fastest out of town, at the first sight of trouble.'

"You must be new around here, pardner."

"And that's when they left for vacation!"

'Your barn door's open.'

Little Known Historical Fact: After regaining consciousness at the last minute, Davey Crockett's coonskin cap went on to become the Alamo's only survivor.

'Let's see now, if one score equals twenty years...'

'Hey you two! Take that outside!'

And I got an honorary Purple Heart for sticking myself with one of my flag pins.

Old soldiers at Dunkirk. Politically correct guy:'Sorry old boys-can't have you upsetting Johnny Foreigner, you know'

Hadleyville Has-Beens

statue in park: 'Arnold P. Rossiter, a local boy who went to the big city and made it big... and now he's back home, flipping burgers, just like we always said he would.'

"This here is a little number I wrote when I recovered a repressed memory."

Cowboy's to-do list.

Why the dodo became extinct

Union Troops Foraging for Supplementary Rations in Louisiana

Lawrence of Arabia

Lincoln's lips were a huge addition to his Gettysburg Museum.

"Hello Billy, how is your mother?"

'Down to 43 hit points? ?have you been fighting again?'

"The best thing about getting old is YouTube wasn't around when we did really stupid stuff."

'The houses aren't historic, but they are still fighting the Civil War.'

Battle of Cedar Creek- Sheridan's Ride

John Burns- Veteran of 1812- who Fought at Gettysburg