Citizen Critic Gifts

Gridlock Valley

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

SF NO

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

"About your tax refund—would you like to donate it to help pay off the national debt?"

Caveman sees comment section below cave drawings,

Seamus Heaney

"Your mom's not protesting sex and violence on TV...she's taking a stand against those early Christmas ads..."

Infected Macron

"You'll never believe who's here."

Samuel Beckett

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

"Now this is what I call an honest little pub!"

The Algonquin Round Table