Cinematic Jokester Pillows

"That movie was released in 2015. It might be time for a reboot."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"You idiots … we lost!"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'