Cigars And Coffee Pillows

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Waiting for retirement.

"Do you ever feel like you were meant for something else?"

All-Day Breakfast

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

(I ride a harley, I drive a porsche, I smoke cigars, I drink martinis...) (So, ….You're impotent?)

'You've had enough!'

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Cigars for the Upcoming Bear Market

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Gag - a graphic novel

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

Happy Meals for Grown Ups

Thank you for the wedding present.

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

'Sorry we don't do black decaf.'

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

Peter Lorre caricature

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

'Relax. It's from the cappuccino.'

"There's no point in our being friends if you won't let me fix you."

'Do you have any denture friendly sandwiches?'

'I'm old, bald and fat, but at least I'm not boring!'

"You see them huddled outside a lot since the smoke and mirrors ban came in."

'This decaf's lousy.'

"Well, no wonder they're more producive than us."