Church Collection Gifts

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"During the collection, please remember that the road to our church is currently paved with good intentions."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

The Missing Sock Returns

"I hear you bought a new classic car."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Not that I have the time, but I enjoy reading."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

Junk art/ food/ tv/ music/ amusements/ novels/ views/ life.

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Middle-aged guy spots an available convertible. The mating ritual begins.

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

'Let us pray...'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Stamp collecting has gotten more competitive.'

Introducing Ambient Books: No beginning...no middle...no end...just a bunch of sentences specially written to soothe and relax the reader.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."