Christmas Conspirator T-Shirts

'Dad, cut out the middle man, Santa and get me the toys from behind the wardrobe.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'I hate all holidays!'

'It's the same EVERY year... 5 minutes to midnight; victims are all male, and they're carrying large sums of money.'

He Sees You When You're Sleeping

Big man on Krampus

'This next song is called Reindeer farts in my face all night.'

Ever vigilant, the restive Claus uses it to get an early start on the naughty and nice list.

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

'I baked it especially for you.'

"I told the carol singers where to go in no uncertain terms, so that's saved us some money!"

Santa's elevator

'Is it plugged in, or isn't it? There's only one way to find out!'

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

'I told mom and dad we should call a chimney sweep before Christmas!'

"I was good. Why is Santa punishing me?"

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

'..And just how long have you two been secretly married?'

'Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk. Timmy.'

'Don't try to kid me - that whole Rudolph thing is just a publicity stunt, isn't it?'

'Frankly, I don't know what to believe. They say if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.'

'... But, if he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, isn't that an infringement of my right to privacy?'

'Take your time Mr Jenkins and try and identify the individual who broke into your home.'

'We only asked you to dress-up as Santa...Nobody expected you to try and climb down the chimney!'

'I did some investigating. The guy is an actor.'

"Tarnation, Sagebrush! Who keeps sending me these stupid, mushy Valentines, anyhow?"

'But if you think about it, isn't being good truly it's own reward?...Hey, I', just messing with you, kid...Here you go, and Merry Christmas.'

"Yo, the getaway sleigh's here. – Let's dash!"

Chimney-Greasing Santa

"There are more things I'm ungrateful than grateful for. Why can't we have a holiday for that?"

'What choice do we have? She knows too much.'

Clearly, this pair were planning on getting up to something...

"Billy's been especially bad. Give him an extra dry one."

Santa bending over under a Christmas tree with his bum showing as a little boy look on.

Jump for joy. It's Christmas.