Christmas Comic Relief Gifts

Santa takes the lift to the roof.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

In a cycle - one bucket out, one bucket in.

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"Touché"

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"Trust me. Don't do it."

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

A kid squirting gunk from an umbrella.

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"What kind of sinker are you using?!"

Dog Birthdays

Break Glass in Case of Stress

"I don't know, what do you want to do today?"

Tourist in the desert

When clowns run out ammunition.

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"I've changed my mind"

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

"I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that what you have on your back may actually be my backpack."

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

"You've got pussyfooting from 10 to 11, shilly-shallying until 12, then hemming and hawing the rest of the afternoon."

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

Do you think I have a problem delegating?

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

"Iron Man! Thank heaven you’ve come!"

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'