Christmas Comedian Gifts

You know that Santa's on his way. He's Loaded!

"Dear Santa, Sorry no cookies this year. Please wipe down all surfaces when you leave. Thx!"

Your dad is a union man, isn't he?

'You know who's been naughty and who's been nice? -- you're not using DNA evidence, are you?'

'I'm sorry but you can't expect him to sleep on that rough straw and this cold damp barn is hardly a place to bring up a young child...'

'How come I never see you in church?'

'That reminds me, we need more bandwidth.'

'Cap hair.'

Santa 10 Items or Less.

"Everything on his list - see to it, wrinkly!"

"Sure I've been good, but I thought you might like to know what the other kids have been up to!"

"Bills dear, not wrapping paper."

That was a bit more than a fart!

Santa the mugger.

'This is for not coming through last year.'

"Not again, I thought a turkey was for Christmas, not for life."

Hip hop Santa.

"I'm sorry but they left no forwarding address..."

"Oh, yes, I've been good...relatively speaking!"

"Maybe this year..."

"Damn it Alice. You're the one who said you wanted a hairdryer for Christmas!!"

"I told you that climbing down chimneys in the American midwest was a dangerous idea!"

"Don't you love the smell of burning leather boots this time of year?"

'Deliveries will be a little later than usual this year...'

"Just relax, take a deep breath and tell Mommy and Daddy which plate of brownies you left out."

Inappropriate Stockings

About Santa...

"Do you hear what I hear?" "Fweeet!"

"Elves, Jerry, I asked for elves."

Peace and Goodwill to all men.

Santa Upgrades.

House Number 2 000 001. Mincepie number 2 000 002.

'Did you include the receipts for easy return?'

Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem to be registered.

'Is it possible to get repetitive strain injury of the eyes?'