Chocolate Critic Pillows

'I wish to complain. Someone has left this small chocolate on my pillow.'

"Valentine's Day is just another example of the chauvinism of a patriarchal society dominated by MEN! It's STAGGERING that MEN think a card and gift makes amends for 364 days of trivialising and PATRONISING us. You can SHOVE your card!"

"Hello, what's your returns policy? I'm not entirely happy with this Easter Egg I bought for my son!"

Bar None

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

Occu-Pie Mars

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Chocolate milk, carrot cake,candied yams...see, there's a solution to everything!'

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

6 Brothers Falafel

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

The secret of living happily ever after....Do it alone.

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"To paraprase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure with out pain au chocolat."

"Rump roast?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

Can I give you a slice of the action?

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'