Child-wrangling Wizard Pillows

"That's fathering."

'Evie? This is Rena - Val has a work-related function that's an excellent networking opportunity...do you mind feeding the kids?'

"Home depot."

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

Newt sale

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

That's my daughter, Alayna

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'We're beta testing Goo-Goo Glass.'

'He was always too busy to sit for his portrait.'

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

'Believe me, I understand.'

"They can run but they won't be able to hide."

I mean, do I set the oven at 400'? 450'? How long do I keep them in? Do I turn them halfway through cooking? Oh, if only children came with instructions.

'I warned you counselor, no more tricks.'

"For your information, officer, I was not ‘texting’ – I was reviewing candidate applications for fellowship grants!"

"Eye of newt, wing of bat, blah blah blah, here's one I made earlier."

When avocados go soft

Chip and Fran Cooper: The Most Embarrassing Parents in the World.

'I'm about to throw a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'Talk about tough days.'

'Hello, parental support hotline? I was able to rise up and become super Mom. How do I get back down?'

Woman riding a sleigh pulled by a black cat

Wow. That WAS a lot faster.

Magic Mushrooms

Ever since I was a calf, I've always wanted my own henchman!

How did that enchantment go again? Must I spell out everything for you?!

'I'm here to test the magic 8-ball.'

Quwaket

Owl

Does a bear poop in the Christmas tree lot?

"I'll tell you what: I'll clean up your room, you clean up my laptop."

'Of course, how else do you think we get off the ground? '

"Any word yet on FDA approval?"

'Deep in the woods, the children came upon the most wondrous sight.'