Child Safety Guardian Pillows

'The police found some empty heroin vials and a syringe by a tether pole in the school yard.', 'What's a tether pole?'

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

Cats on Board.

Child about to jump off ironing board into bath.

Child using building blocks to get over a baby gate.

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"Hey, that's disgusting! You can't leave that on the footpath: Make sure your master comes and picks it up!"

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

"Beware of God"

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'

'Eddy! Can you check that recall list on the toy website again to see if this swing is included?'

Kangaroo: Baby on Board

The proper way to wear your mask

"I said 'neighborhood watch'; they said 'peeping Tom.' "

Mobile phone damage to children.

"My parents call it a blanket hanging from my ceiling. I call it a giant privacy filter."

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

"No not the puppy please"

Spilled Milk

'I feel much safer living in a gated community.'

'But what about the 4th Amendment?'

'Ok...something, but nothing you'd care about. Honest!'

'Which end's the shallow end?'

'Polly wants a machine gun.'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'He swallowed a warning label!'

See, no monster under your bed

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

Code Red!

"Why are you playing hide-and-seek in the stove!?! Don't shush me! This is my stove!"

"He calls it an 'accident' but you and I both know that was no accident."